Another angel

Well, god recieved another angel today - as quickly and unexpectedly as Bun entered the picture, he/she exited quickly as well. I'm having a miscarriage...

This happened one other time in my life, when I was 23, married for one year, and was on birth control and also medication that isn't safe to take while pregnant. That baby went to God before we got to 8 weeks. At the time, I didn't understand. But 9 years later, I look back on the marriage that ended, and the husband who ended up killing his next wife as well as himself. Obviously, God had his reasons for taking that baby - and I have to believe that he had his reasons for taking this one. I am leaving this in his hands.

It's a turmultuous feeling - from being shocked, and even angry about discovering I was pregnant; to being joyous and overwhelmingly happy and full of acceptance for God's plan. And then the spotting begins. And a little bleeding, and then no bleeding... And then a lot of blood, and then no blood for 12 more hours. And then more spotting... I asked him to show me which way we were going - was this baby to be mine, or his - and today he answered my question.

I'm not tearful, but I'm not happy or even relieved. I'm sad, but I know that this happened for a reason. And perhaps now my husband and I will talk about "trying" again soon - perhaps Bun's purpose will have been to show us that we need to think about expanding our family the right way. Perhaps we have been selfish by waiting - after all, Stinker sure needs a sibling...

All I can do is pray that God will cuddle Bun, and let the little angel know that it was loved, and will be missed and never forgotten.

Amen.

Decisions

I've made a few decisions since Bun has entered the picture.

1 - I will not be the maniacal paranoid pregnant woman who goes to the bathroom 20 times a day just to make sure that I'm not bleeding. I will trust in God - he gave us this baby even though we were using birth control. He must have wanted us to have this baby. I will do the things that I can do, but I will trust that he has a plan.

2 - I will not be the bitchy pregnant wife that I allowed myself to often become last time around. So, I can't have the beer that Tarzan is happily glugging down in front of me - so what. I can laugh as his beer belly grows along with my baby bump.

3 - I will not be the frustrated pregnant woman who's nesting instinct is denied due to a procratinating husband. I will use this time to learn new things so that I can do things for myself rather than having to wait for Tarzan to do them for me.

4 - I will not be the frumpy pregnant woman who tries to hide the belly. I will enjoy the pregnant body rather than being a bit disgusted by it. I will buy cute maternity clothes so that I can feel pretty during this time.

5 - I will not be the hormonal pregnant woman who doesn't have "play time" with her husband for 14-15 months. I keep reading that sex while pregnant can be very satisfying. While I never found that part of pregnancy last time around, I plan to figure it out this time.

These are just a few of the things that I am going to do differently this time around.

Unfortunately, I also think that I may be doing the morning sickness thing differently this time around... My system is not feeling tip-top this morning...

But I'll smile about it - this is going to be fun - it's all about perspective, right?

Until tomorrow... Habt einen guten Tag

Hello World!

Life is absolute insanity. There are very few four letter nouns that can be described as magnificent, provocative, impeccable, stupifying, and unreasonable all at the same time. I just can't get enough.

I am a 32 year old woman, call me Mowp (momwifeployee). Notice the order of the terms in this name - it is important. I used to be an employee - shooting for the stars of being an executive one day. Then I became a wife, and that role became slightly more important than being the model career woman. Then I became a mother, and everything else has been overshadowed. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't have it any other way - and I don't claim to be any different than any other mother out there who gradually had all of her priorities shifted around until they are unrecognizable as her own. So I'm not at all deluded enough to believe that I am different from millions of other women. But, as a woman who has never really been close to a lot of other women, I've not heard the stories that relate to the things I go through in life. I'd like to find a blog or two from women like me who share their stories. And when I started that train of thought, I figured I'd start my own.

I have a 2 year old daughter (call her Stinker - my term of complete adoration). I have a 33 year old husband (call him Tarzan - and he can never know that I think of him this way). I also have a 4 year old Weimaraner (and you can call him Dog, since that just makes sense).

We just found out on Friday night, that we have a bun in the oven. This is a huge surprise, since I've been on the pill... But more about that later. So, let's call the bun by it's name, Bun. My estimates are that Bun is about 6 weeks BB (before birth).

Since finding out about Bun, everything in our lives feels a bit upside down. Not that we aren't happy, but I guess at this point we are still in the phase of utter and complete shock. And what better time to start a blog, right?

So here goes. I'll try to post something every day. Maybe someday Stinker and Bun can read this and get some perspective about their poor Momwifeployee. Tarzan can never read this blog, as I intend to give him the unholy wrath of a hormonal multi-functional woman here, in print, in hopes that he may be spared this mutiny in person.

And who knows, maybe I can make some friends in the process.

Until tomorrow - Au Revoir.