Another angel

Well, god recieved another angel today - as quickly and unexpectedly as Bun entered the picture, he/she exited quickly as well. I'm having a miscarriage...

This happened one other time in my life, when I was 23, married for one year, and was on birth control and also medication that isn't safe to take while pregnant. That baby went to God before we got to 8 weeks. At the time, I didn't understand. But 9 years later, I look back on the marriage that ended, and the husband who ended up killing his next wife as well as himself. Obviously, God had his reasons for taking that baby - and I have to believe that he had his reasons for taking this one. I am leaving this in his hands.

It's a turmultuous feeling - from being shocked, and even angry about discovering I was pregnant; to being joyous and overwhelmingly happy and full of acceptance for God's plan. And then the spotting begins. And a little bleeding, and then no bleeding... And then a lot of blood, and then no blood for 12 more hours. And then more spotting... I asked him to show me which way we were going - was this baby to be mine, or his - and today he answered my question.

I'm not tearful, but I'm not happy or even relieved. I'm sad, but I know that this happened for a reason. And perhaps now my husband and I will talk about "trying" again soon - perhaps Bun's purpose will have been to show us that we need to think about expanding our family the right way. Perhaps we have been selfish by waiting - after all, Stinker sure needs a sibling...

All I can do is pray that God will cuddle Bun, and let the little angel know that it was loved, and will be missed and never forgotten.

Amen.